Feelings

One day I will buy a cat ... or a dog ... or even better, I'll adopt a puppy to stand by me and my silly emotional self, to endure my sentimental effusions. And then, poor thing, it will have to listen to all my "i want to feel something, anything" crap. Because I am too old to share that with other people. They just don't have time, in their busy ordered crystal clear lives for someone like me. For someone that shows them stars, and flowers, and teddy bears ... for someone that wants to enjoy the sun and sing while running bare-footed in the grass. That's childish, and dangerous, and definitely self-destructive career-wise. And I am too old for people to accept that -- they want me to be serious and understand responsibility and its life-threatening importance. People do not understand me - I know, a puppy wouldn't either, but at least it would not complain. I guess you can overwhelm a puppy with feelings too, but I reckon it would be much harder.

Why are people so scared of feelings? Why is this world build only for time schedules, agenda's, appointments? Why do they call me crazy just because I don't have an agenda? Why do they give me these weird looks just because I don't want to talk about work at dinner? I am tired of being a freak - if I would have artistic talent, I would be an eccentric artist, and people would admire me ... but being an engineer makes me a freak?! Why, just because I refuse to put thinking in front of feelings? Just because I have the courage to actually take the hard way?

I am too old for being a freak ... soon enough, the entire world will look at me with pity and say "she was a such a good student" or "her papers are so good" or "I don't understand how she did such a thing - she seemed such a nice person". And nothing else will be left behind except for these incredibly insignificant things.