... and I still wait.
Why? Because I love him. Stupidly enough, my heart still hopes, in its twisted chambers, that things are going to be fine.
Hell, I don't even know what fine is anymore ...
I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. I cannot enjoy the bitter-sweet chocolate in front of me. I don't like grapefruit any more.
I just wait ...
And I know what's gonna be. I know what's gonna happen. and I know it's gonna hurt like crazy.
And yet, I decided to wait.
I am exhausted.
I am too tired to be angry. I am too tired for revenge. I am too tired to explain. I am too tired to even show how much this "wait" is hurting me, how selfish and painful this obvious end is and how it kills me a little everyday.
That's what he said - "Can't we wait for a few more days? This is very painful, you know?"
So I just sit on the floor, with tears in my eyes, thin blood lines on my wrist... and I wait ...
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
NOMIS - for oral use only
This is my newest project: NOMIS, the "no mistakes" pill. For oral use only: take one with plenty of water and stay mistake-free for 24 hours.
The effects on personal freedom are not yet predictable. Mixing with other (light) drugs, including alcohol, is also unpredictable. We recommend avoiding these occurrences.
NOMIS inhibits personal choices such as euthanasia or non-reproduction oriented sex. It also inhibits childhood, so be sure to keep it away from children.
Be aware-the pill doesn't teach you how to do the right thing - it just insures a mistake-free existence. It will not point out what you are doing right and it will not make it obvious to you what mistakes you have avoided at the end of each 24h.
Be careful - to insure continuity, a new NOMIS pill has to be taken BEFORE the 24h of the previous dose have elapsed. Even a single one second gap might allow for very big mistakes, and will not be protected by NOMIS. Furthermore, taking NOMIS after the mistake is made might aggravate issues.
NOMIS does not prevent accidents inflicted by others on you. For example, in case of travel accidents like plane crashes, taking NOMIS will not guarantee your safety.
NOMIS is not recommended for schizophrenics or double-personalities, as it might lead to increased intake. Increased intake doesn't have side effects, but abuse is not recommended, as it might lead to sanctification. But only after death. And the death of a saint is eventually a mistake, so you might be transforming NOMIS into a life elixir. Not into a youth elixir, though - getting old is not a mistake.
Finally, NOMIS is conservative: in case of doubt, the mechanism will choose for inhibiting a potential mistake. Therefore, large-scale use might lead to a decrease in marriages and an accelerated decrease of natality, as well as mortality. In the worst-case scenario, for global use, we will see, within 20 to 30 years, a large aging population of very old, wise people, with large numbers of potential sanctifications.
I still have to figure out if NOMIS is to be administered freely, with loose consumption regulation, or by prescription only. I will think of that tomorrow, on a new fresh dose of NOMIS.
The effects on personal freedom are not yet predictable. Mixing with other (light) drugs, including alcohol, is also unpredictable. We recommend avoiding these occurrences.
NOMIS inhibits personal choices such as euthanasia or non-reproduction oriented sex. It also inhibits childhood, so be sure to keep it away from children.
Be aware-the pill doesn't teach you how to do the right thing - it just insures a mistake-free existence. It will not point out what you are doing right and it will not make it obvious to you what mistakes you have avoided at the end of each 24h.
Be careful - to insure continuity, a new NOMIS pill has to be taken BEFORE the 24h of the previous dose have elapsed. Even a single one second gap might allow for very big mistakes, and will not be protected by NOMIS. Furthermore, taking NOMIS after the mistake is made might aggravate issues.
NOMIS does not prevent accidents inflicted by others on you. For example, in case of travel accidents like plane crashes, taking NOMIS will not guarantee your safety.
NOMIS is not recommended for schizophrenics or double-personalities, as it might lead to increased intake. Increased intake doesn't have side effects, but abuse is not recommended, as it might lead to sanctification. But only after death. And the death of a saint is eventually a mistake, so you might be transforming NOMIS into a life elixir. Not into a youth elixir, though - getting old is not a mistake.
Finally, NOMIS is conservative: in case of doubt, the mechanism will choose for inhibiting a potential mistake. Therefore, large-scale use might lead to a decrease in marriages and an accelerated decrease of natality, as well as mortality. In the worst-case scenario, for global use, we will see, within 20 to 30 years, a large aging population of very old, wise people, with large numbers of potential sanctifications.
I still have to figure out if NOMIS is to be administered freely, with loose consumption regulation, or by prescription only. I will think of that tomorrow, on a new fresh dose of NOMIS.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
It hurts.
Like only broken hearts do. It f***ing hurts.
Is it my ego that cries out "I told you so?".
Is it my mind that refuses to accept that the end has come?
Is it my fear of starting it all over again?
What have I done to you? What more than to love you with all my heart? What more than to give you all the freedom you wanted and wait for you to come to me, when you're ready? What less than to show you all my world, my fears, and all my love?
I just gave you too many choices, and I let you practice your freedom on me. I believed in you. I believed you can stop juggling, one day. I trusted your mind to put boundaries to its fears and settle down. I hoped your heart would speak louder.
I was wrong. And now it hurts. Broken promises. Dreams for sale. Wasted love. Spilled hope.
And you, quiet. Silent. In your own world, content to be alone. You, focused on whatever else than this unstable shaky troublesome love. Yes, you can live without it. Why bother? It adds nothing to what you already have. It wastes your time and your money and your energy. Makes you think. And dream. And fear. Makes you vulnerable. Makes you unsettled. Makes you want more.
Indeed. Better not. Later, when you'll be ready. Later, when you'll be fat and bored of watching cheap porn on TV. Later, when your daily life will need some excitement. Not too much, not too little. Just enough to tickle your imagination and get you hard. Maybe even give you one extra heart beat. Later, when you'll be secure enough to know the next one is just the same, and there's a lot more you can buy.
But still, one day ... at least one day, or night, or morning ... one day, when you'll be finally sober and able to look in a honest mirror... you'll finally understand that "why?" is so much more important than "why not?". And then you'll cry. And miss me. But I'll be dead. And so would be most of those that had truly loved you.
Is it my ego that cries out "I told you so?".
Is it my mind that refuses to accept that the end has come?
Is it my fear of starting it all over again?
What have I done to you? What more than to love you with all my heart? What more than to give you all the freedom you wanted and wait for you to come to me, when you're ready? What less than to show you all my world, my fears, and all my love?
I just gave you too many choices, and I let you practice your freedom on me. I believed in you. I believed you can stop juggling, one day. I trusted your mind to put boundaries to its fears and settle down. I hoped your heart would speak louder.
I was wrong. And now it hurts. Broken promises. Dreams for sale. Wasted love. Spilled hope.
And you, quiet. Silent. In your own world, content to be alone. You, focused on whatever else than this unstable shaky troublesome love. Yes, you can live without it. Why bother? It adds nothing to what you already have. It wastes your time and your money and your energy. Makes you think. And dream. And fear. Makes you vulnerable. Makes you unsettled. Makes you want more.
Indeed. Better not. Later, when you'll be ready. Later, when you'll be fat and bored of watching cheap porn on TV. Later, when your daily life will need some excitement. Not too much, not too little. Just enough to tickle your imagination and get you hard. Maybe even give you one extra heart beat. Later, when you'll be secure enough to know the next one is just the same, and there's a lot more you can buy.
But still, one day ... at least one day, or night, or morning ... one day, when you'll be finally sober and able to look in a honest mirror... you'll finally understand that "why?" is so much more important than "why not?". And then you'll cry. And miss me. But I'll be dead. And so would be most of those that had truly loved you.
Silence
... and then life goes on.
There's no darker and quieter place than us, now. We are frozen. We are hiding. We are silently crying just because we don't know what else to do.
The tears of surrender are always quiet. How I wish, oh how I wish for the tears of anger or despair or injustice ... for the screams, for the fights, for the words ... And yet these are the tears of silence, we're crying.
We lost. Each other. Together. Apart. They have won. No, they have defeated us. And we now beg, down on our knees, for the pain to stop. Nothing more - just for the pain to stop. Limited. Pathetic. Lame. Quiet.
Silent pain.
And the silent tears of this silent pain are (dis)covered in darkness.
Tomorrow is another day. And I'll wait for the night so that I can cry again, and revolt against the silence with the sound of my tears crashing on the wooden floor.
There's no darker and quieter place than us, now. We are frozen. We are hiding. We are silently crying just because we don't know what else to do.
The tears of surrender are always quiet. How I wish, oh how I wish for the tears of anger or despair or injustice ... for the screams, for the fights, for the words ... And yet these are the tears of silence, we're crying.
We lost. Each other. Together. Apart. They have won. No, they have defeated us. And we now beg, down on our knees, for the pain to stop. Nothing more - just for the pain to stop. Limited. Pathetic. Lame. Quiet.
Silent pain.
And the silent tears of this silent pain are (dis)covered in darkness.
Tomorrow is another day. And I'll wait for the night so that I can cry again, and revolt against the silence with the sound of my tears crashing on the wooden floor.
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