She will not be missed

I am running around in my head, asking a million questions without answers. I am tired and life seems impossible to live. Or at least useless. I am not finding a way out of this infinite loop of misery. I need a sign. A word. Some form of acknowledgement. Some form of relief. And I cannot find it.

Why did I rely so much on others? Why do I need recognition? Why do I care?

What do I want? A good word. A hug. A caressing hand. A quiet place to lie down, safely. A sign that someone out there does not take me for granted. Someone. Anyone. 

I talk to you and you cannot hear. You do not want to hear. You are shutting the door in my face. You are better off without me. And it kills me - unfortunately, figuratively - that this might be true.

I still think you were wrong. I still think what you have done is not OK. You have trashed my feelings and my pride, you humiliated me in front of myself, and then you shut me off completely. While you said you care. No, you don't. I hate that lie. It is the worst of all the lies you told me.

I am done making excuses for you. You have done all that, and learned nothing. I was a victim in the process. And you do not even want to say sorry. Maybe you are not. But that *is* a lie I would want to hear. Desperately. A life-giving-back lie. How pathetic that is. How pathetic I am.

I am a failure. It is hard to see beyond this obvious fact. And it is even harder to take things as they are and move on. "On"? where is "on"? Move to ... what? where? why? And, after all - what is so great about moving on?! Maybe that is the end of the line. Maybe that was it. Nothing else to do or live. Why is it so bad to decide it's enough?! I had enough. Why do they have to say "she had a long good life?". I had a good life. I had enough. Who cares it was long? The few people that will miss me - it will pass. They will learn  - from you - it's not that big of a deal. In fact, they would all be better off without me. Right? Isn't that what you learned? So - time to pack and go. Find a way out to the other world. 

This is a cry for help. I cannot do that in real life - you think I am crazy. I "flipped", so now you are running away. I am impossible to be around. I am scary. Better stay away - it might be contagious. Or you might actually care ... Oh, wait, I forgot - you "care". From a safe distance. From outside my cage. I am the poor zoo animal that you wish you could help, but cannot ...because it is not for you to do that. What do you say ? Oh, yes, you *do* care. I noticed. Right. I am supposed to believe you.

No - I am supposed to pretend I am normal. Whatever the f*ck normal is. I am supposed to pretend everything is OK. You know what? Everything is OK. Except me. But noone cares. And noone should.

This is good bye.    

Your games

Why are you playing games with me? Why are you teasing me with love and chocolate and sweet wine? Why are you promising me tomorrow will be better? Why? Why are you so cruel to me?

I am tired. I am exhausted by trying, on my own, entirely and completely on my own, to be with you. I am bored and frustrated by your careless mistakes that break my heart. I am angry on your refusal to understand.

I am stupid. Well, no, naive is the right word for it. I was naive to believe that things are going to improve. That if I show you how special you are, and how wonderful life can be, you will see it, and you will embrace it, and me, and you will fight for it. I was naive, 'cause you didn't. You didn't believe. You didn't care. You just took what was good and happy about it, like it was rightfully yours, and left.

You said you will be back tomorrow.

So I waited. Tomorrow came, and you were not there. Then the night came, an you were still not there. So I drank coffees after coffees, I cried, I shouted, I cut, I blamed, I cooked, I stuffed myself ... I waited. You didn't come. Next morning I was sore. And shivering from the cold and from the fears and from the loneliness. I was sick of your promises, I was deadly ill of hope.

Why? Why don't you just admit we lost? Why don't you just admit we miserably failed? Is it just because it's your blame to bear? Give it to me... just say I did not love you enough, or I had no respect for you, or just I was not able to make it work. But stop playing games. Please. Don't keep me prisoner of your ego and your panic attacks. Don't keep me bound to your image when you are long long gone. Just look at you. And look at me. And understand what's going on: we lost. We lost something more precious than life itself. I died again, waiting for you an your promised love. And you just didn't come. Like you said you will.

It's over, isn't it? I am no longer the joy of your life, I am the trouble at the other end of the phone call. I am the person that makes you feel uncomfortably responsible. Are you waiting for me to say "good bye"? 'cause I won't do it. No. You made the mess, you clean it up. You come to me and tell me how you failed, you come to me to tell me how lost and terribly alone you feel, you see me crying till your heart breaks. You see the pain and agony you caused me. And then, you have the courage to break it off, I won't do this for you. Nope. You are the one that broke it, you make it right. You cry and ask for apologies. You go home thinking everyday how close those cuts on my wrists are to the veins ... you beg every day to see my name somewhere to know I'm still alive. That's the only thing I'm not gonna do for you. Not again. I will not protect you from seeing how much damage and pain you have given me. I want you to see it all, To feel it all. Maybe then you'll stop playing games.

I'm here. Still waiting. It's your turn. 

Why?

Why did I love you so much?
How did I manage to lose myself in you and your life?
How come I dropped all fences and open up my heart so fully ... to you ?

I should have known better. I should have realized my dreams were too big and too beautiful to ever come true...

All I asked for was your love. All I needed was your heart. All I wanted was you to stay by my side. For a while. For a happy happy while. For the sake of love. For the sake of us, two people lucky enough to find each other and to dream together. For the sake of shadows that watched the starts together.

I miss you.
I lost you.
Why? When? How?

I am alone. You left. I lost. I failed. Again.
You saw inside my soul. Inside my heart. You saw my tears, my hopes, my dreams, my happiness, my sorrow. You saw me, naked of all clothes and fake personalities. I stood in front of you, naked, shy, blushing, but all yours. All yours.
Maybe you didn't see me. Or maybe what you've seen was not good enough.
'cause you can say you don't know what you've lost. Maybe it's nothing, then. I'm no good. I'm not worth it. And no matter how much I truly love you ... I'm just not good enough.

Why did you leave me alone? Why did you promise me the world and then ran away?
Why?

Betrayed

I feel betrayed. Used.
I feel like shouting and screaming.
I want you to know how much it hurts, how much you hurt me.
I try really hard not to want you to hurt as bad.
I did nothing wrong. This time - I really did nothing wrong. Yet I am shut out and disposed off. For no good reason. For no reason at all other than your primal fear. Your excessive caution. Your obsession with safety.

I have done nothing wrong.

I have given you so much. And you have simply used me to make life easier. Even when you had to take responsibility of your own actions, it was simply easier to blame it on me. As I looked older. More mature. More able to handle it. Better put the blame and guilt and everything else on me, or else you would not be able to comprehend what happened. Put it on my tap, so that you can go on living.

I will manage, of course I will - you thought. You saw me managing and not blinking and not crying before. So I must be able to, right? I have done it before, so I will be fine - you thought. And if I won't, you would not want to know. God forbid, you might actually be wrong! You might actually have to think about it. So ... better put it on me. I am stronger.

You said you care. Yes - in your free time and cycles. Yes - when it is convenient and you have nothing else to do. Yes - when it does not interfere with you. Then - yes, you care. But it is always "you first". It has always been. I just did not want to see it.

How could I be so stupid?
How could I be so utterly blind?
How could I let this happen?

Yes, I did make you up. You only exist with your real shape and the personality and qualities and perfect features I invented for you. Because they suited you.
You only exist in my head. In real life, you are just a shallow, empty, superficial egocentric person. I made you better. And now I cry for losing you.

How could I be so stupid to do this again and again?

You took away my self-esteem, my respect for myself, my hard work. You told me I have nothing to offer, you made me redundant. Not because I am, but because you want me to be.
And you don't even know it. Because you don't allow yourself to look back, to see what you've done. Better ignore it. Avoid it. Forget it. It will pass. Stop caring. Just march on.

You knew what you were doing. And yet you chose to do it. You used me. And it hurts. Because I have done nothing wrong. 

Choices

... and yes, I did it again. And yes, I am sad and miserable again. And yes, I am terrified again of every single morning when I need to wake up and every single night I have to go to sleep.

And I used to laugh of weak people. I used to think "heh, they should be stronger". Yet I am the weakest of them all.

Life is all about choices ... the ones that you make, but mostly the ones you refuse to make until it's too late. Way to late. And then you cry. And curse. And get depressed. And drink. And do whatever you can to forget that, in the end, is all your own fault. Home brewed, home made.

Sleep will come, eventually.
Until then, I will be counting sheep.

Shortcircuit your brain

Put your headphones on, turn the volume to MAX, and listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvIvZToYod8

Your fingers will follow the rhythm.
Your eyes will slowly close as the beat goes into your bloodstream.
And you will find yourself smiling the "I'm the king of the world" grin.
Yeah ... F*ck mirrors. Just shortcircuit your brain: you *are* the king of your world.

Cypher

And then he said:
- Buckle up, Dorothy, 'cause Kansas is going bye-bye.


So I stepped in my shoes, said my Good-byes, and flew away where the wind took me. A flying snail, curled up in my little home, my safety box, unable and unwilling to leave it behind. Must be the magic "home sweet home" painting hanging by the door.