Nine lives

I am a cat. Once, a long long time ago, I had nine lives. And in the meantime, all that time between my kitten age and yesterday, I had four deaths... I am an old cat ...

Today, I died once more. Today, I begged for death to come and take me out of misery. Today, I wanted to cut and punch and hurt and kill ... to stop breathing ... to jump out in the open ... to drink the whole bottle without ice ... to stop eating for the rest of my life ... I begged for death ... And it came. Just like that: it came, smiling and caressing me, like the perfect lover in the middle of the night. Today I enjoyed my death. Again. Like a coward that I am.

I died once more. I died a coward, with a broken heart and too many compromises. I died a lonely death, sitting on a black chair and staring out the window at the snow. The cold and beautiful snow. I died.

And yet, like the cat I am, I have to keep on living. I have to wake up and live another day, another li(f)e, another disappointment. I have to stand and smile and tell them all how happy and mature and amazingly calm I am. I died, and yet I'm still alive. How cruel ... how pathetic ... how despicable ... how sad ...

Be good - the future is yours

My life is postponed ... day after day, week after week, month after month I am preserving myself for a future that will never come. Because it's just too far away. And it's not me, or my patience, or my impatience, or my desire ... there's nothing in me or about me that can change that. It's all in the future, a future that has always ... ALWAYS lied to me, A future that made fun of me every time ... Future is my buddy and my enemy - we hate each other, and we play tricks on each other ... Painful tricks ... he gets to decide who and what lives and dies. I get to oppose. I normally lose. WTF, I always lose.

I am being cheated on, constantly, by my own good will and nice feelings. They say - be good, and good things happen to you. But they never say when! And here it comes my tricky friend, the one that has the power over my hope, my rage, my feelings ... the one and only that can make me kneel and beg ... beg for my hopes, my life, my love, my own identity. And I beg ... and he laughs ... and I am the clown of his royal amusement ... and life goes on - not mine, but his.