Nine lives

I am a cat. Once, a long long time ago, I had nine lives. And in the meantime, all that time between my kitten age and yesterday, I had four deaths... I am an old cat ...

Today, I died once more. Today, I begged for death to come and take me out of misery. Today, I wanted to cut and punch and hurt and kill ... to stop breathing ... to jump out in the open ... to drink the whole bottle without ice ... to stop eating for the rest of my life ... I begged for death ... And it came. Just like that: it came, smiling and caressing me, like the perfect lover in the middle of the night. Today I enjoyed my death. Again. Like a coward that I am.

I died once more. I died a coward, with a broken heart and too many compromises. I died a lonely death, sitting on a black chair and staring out the window at the snow. The cold and beautiful snow. I died.

And yet, like the cat I am, I have to keep on living. I have to wake up and live another day, another li(f)e, another disappointment. I have to stand and smile and tell them all how happy and mature and amazingly calm I am. I died, and yet I'm still alive. How cruel ... how pathetic ... how despicable ... how sad ...

Be good - the future is yours

My life is postponed ... day after day, week after week, month after month I am preserving myself for a future that will never come. Because it's just too far away. And it's not me, or my patience, or my impatience, or my desire ... there's nothing in me or about me that can change that. It's all in the future, a future that has always ... ALWAYS lied to me, A future that made fun of me every time ... Future is my buddy and my enemy - we hate each other, and we play tricks on each other ... Painful tricks ... he gets to decide who and what lives and dies. I get to oppose. I normally lose. WTF, I always lose.

I am being cheated on, constantly, by my own good will and nice feelings. They say - be good, and good things happen to you. But they never say when! And here it comes my tricky friend, the one that has the power over my hope, my rage, my feelings ... the one and only that can make me kneel and beg ... beg for my hopes, my life, my love, my own identity. And I beg ... and he laughs ... and I am the clown of his royal amusement ... and life goes on - not mine, but his.

To live, and not to dream

I don't want more!!! I do not want to dream!!! I do not want to smile!!! I do not want to love!!! I do not want to be happy!!! I just want to live. I want to want to live. Just for once, just for a day, just for an hour, I want to know how it feels to want to live!

Stop showing me those dreams! Don't tell me fairy tales! Don't show me how to smile! Don't want. Don't need. And no desire. I just want peace.. and quiet... and boredom... and I want to fear death. That only, and will show me how to live ... not how to dream ...

I am not good enough for my own dreams! They shine, and sing, and laugh at me - they drive me nuts! So stop, stop them all... They're just too big, and I am f*****g small. Maybe I dream somebody else's dreams ... Maybe I sleep somebody else's sleep... Maybe a cry somebody else's tears ... And yet, why can't I live my own so stupid silly trivial existence ?!

I don't want to dream anymore. I will go on the streets and shout "I trade my dreams for just a single bottleeeeee ... just give me a bottle for the most beautiful dreeeaaaaams!!!" Are you in? I'll give you back the paper bag - it suites them, oh, just right!!

I warn you though ... my dreams are tricky ... sooner or later, they all go wrong ... Maybe it's my fault ... but I have no guarantee ... When they were living with me, every single one went wrong!!! I tried to kill them ... but it's rather sad to try not to dream ... and it's quite hard to try to dream "the other way" ... Maybe they've just revolted against me. Maybe even they knew I am not good enough ... Do you know how it feels? ... how it feels to know you will never never never never be better?! and never good enough ... and never secure ... and never brave enough to be happy? Well ... I kind'a know it ... maybe that is why my dreams avoided me so well ...

But anyway ... you can have them all ... I tell you, it's a good deal ... I had them, they can get you really high ... and they are cheaper than the coffeeshop ... But me ... neah, I just want to drink ... I want to drink an infinite array of bottles ... I don't quite know if I could go for beer ... I'd rather have the red wine ... or the scotch ... but beer takes much longer ... I don't know. Eh, it really doesn't matter ... after all, I just want to be drunk, feel pretty, and sell all my dreams. Then, I drink myself to life ... Just give me another bottle, I have enough dreams ... let me live ... when I am drunk, I never want to die ... Yes, mother, you were right ... and I was wrong ... please forgive me ... I wish I would have gotten drunk with you ...

5 cuts today - a record for this year

How come it is so hard for you to understand ?! You're playing with fire. It's really hot - this game of (h)ours, but it will get me burned...

And I don't really need your matches... I always have the lighter by me ... here ... I have connected to the TNT all by myself. No no, don't fool yourself - that was all my idea! A tiny little spark and I'll explode. You'd better run away ... and soon ... or else, too many pieces of burned flash of mine will kiss your skin goodbye. And I did hear that the smoke is not that great ...

... that doesn't mean I did not love you ... it's just the rainy season, coming in too soon ...