To live, and not to dream

I don't want more!!! I do not want to dream!!! I do not want to smile!!! I do not want to love!!! I do not want to be happy!!! I just want to live. I want to want to live. Just for once, just for a day, just for an hour, I want to know how it feels to want to live!

Stop showing me those dreams! Don't tell me fairy tales! Don't show me how to smile! Don't want. Don't need. And no desire. I just want peace.. and quiet... and boredom... and I want to fear death. That only, and will show me how to live ... not how to dream ...

I am not good enough for my own dreams! They shine, and sing, and laugh at me - they drive me nuts! So stop, stop them all... They're just too big, and I am f*****g small. Maybe I dream somebody else's dreams ... Maybe I sleep somebody else's sleep... Maybe a cry somebody else's tears ... And yet, why can't I live my own so stupid silly trivial existence ?!

I don't want to dream anymore. I will go on the streets and shout "I trade my dreams for just a single bottleeeeee ... just give me a bottle for the most beautiful dreeeaaaaams!!!" Are you in? I'll give you back the paper bag - it suites them, oh, just right!!

I warn you though ... my dreams are tricky ... sooner or later, they all go wrong ... Maybe it's my fault ... but I have no guarantee ... When they were living with me, every single one went wrong!!! I tried to kill them ... but it's rather sad to try not to dream ... and it's quite hard to try to dream "the other way" ... Maybe they've just revolted against me. Maybe even they knew I am not good enough ... Do you know how it feels? ... how it feels to know you will never never never never be better?! and never good enough ... and never secure ... and never brave enough to be happy? Well ... I kind'a know it ... maybe that is why my dreams avoided me so well ...

But anyway ... you can have them all ... I tell you, it's a good deal ... I had them, they can get you really high ... and they are cheaper than the coffeeshop ... But me ... neah, I just want to drink ... I want to drink an infinite array of bottles ... I don't quite know if I could go for beer ... I'd rather have the red wine ... or the scotch ... but beer takes much longer ... I don't know. Eh, it really doesn't matter ... after all, I just want to be drunk, feel pretty, and sell all my dreams. Then, I drink myself to life ... Just give me another bottle, I have enough dreams ... let me live ... when I am drunk, I never want to die ... Yes, mother, you were right ... and I was wrong ... please forgive me ... I wish I would have gotten drunk with you ...