Good enough

A million questions without any answer ... a million excuses without reasons ... a million ways to look in a mirror, and yet none will make me better. 'cause I'm not good enough. Not good enough for me, not good enough for them. And I wake up every morning, look in the mirror and wonder why? A million "why's" ... a million sad thoughts ... And yet I cannot understand. How can I be so wrong? How could I be so blind for so long? How could they trick me into believing I am worth to be cared, and loved, and hugged and kissed... How did they trick me to believe I'm special?!

Disappointment ... over and over again ... Failure, over and over again ... Being hit, and turning the other cheek, for them to hit again ... Shouting and screaming ... nothing ... Begging ... Still nothing. I am just not good enough.

A million crazy suicidal thoughts ... and none can get me there ... A little cut on my hand - to remind me of yet another day, yet another failure, yet another one that said no. A million little cuts ... But he smiled and said "keep looking". But I'm tired, too tired ... I just want to sleep, and never wake up in front of a mirror.

I need a win ... or a cat ... or a constant reminder I only have bad luck ... or that I am bad luck ... or that I am nothing ... and nobody ... I want to get lost in the crowd and cry my million tears ... Then I will drink the glass of red wine for him ... and then another one ... and then another one ... until I will be able to tell him how much ... then I will be able to kiss him, in front of the world ... then, drunk and happy, will leave and never look back. But there's no wine, no kiss, and he's not mine ... he never was.